Sister Act 3

Nude Nuns With Big Guns is Quentin Tarantino's karma. His critics lambaste him for plagiarising other people's films. Well now here's one that plagiarises his. Robert Rodriguz should be pissed off too because this movie is like the inbred love child of Desperado and Kill Bill. Damn I don't know what to tell you about this one... it's deliberately blasphemous and tries to push envelopes of no reason. Nuns are raped, abused and murdered (there's a lot of nun pussy here) and in true genre-fashion they come back with vengeance on their minds. The movie has it's moments but ultimately its one big rip-off. Its like a poor man's Grindhouse and all of the typical QT & Rodriguz tricks are on display. More interesting than the film itself is the fact that the biggest lawsuit over film rights in history was launched against torrent users who illegally downloaded the movie. I bet they wish they'd stuck with porn!

Essential Killing provides no answers. It tells the story of an unidentified Middle Eastern man (presumably) who is captured by American forces in an unidentified Middle Eastern country. He is transported to an unidentified European country where his transport vehicle runs off the road and he escapes into the snow covered wilderness. That is all we know as he spends the entire duration of the film lost, wounded and starving. Vincent Gallo plays the man and I think its the single greatest performance of his career. The entire role is silent and not a single word is uttered from his mouth and yet his desperation and fear is overwhelming. If I actually believed in a star-rating system then I'd probably give this a 5. I'm keen to hear some other thoughts about the film... fire away with some comments. 

"They will eat your face off"

Ok so I haven't watched this movie nor is it high on my 'to see' list... but I found the tagline too amusing to ignore. "They will eat your face off" ROFL. I guess this is what Peter Jackson failed to show us in Lord Of The Rings. This movie is about two park rangers who have to fend off hordes of Orcs which have been unearthed from a nearby mountain. I guess the more I think about it the more I want to see it... knowing too well how cheesey it will be. You've been warned... Orcs! They will eat your face off!

So that leads me to some of the best-worst movie taglines of all time. 


My favourite has to be the classically bad 80s shocker Blood Beach. The tagline is brilliant... "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't even get to it!" BRILLIANT!

So now I want to hear what some of your favourite bad taglines are..... 

Goin'... Goin' get fucked!

WARNING: Little Johnny The Movie is fucking terrible. Most of us would have grown up hearing Kevin Bloody Wilson's Little Johnny jokes. They became a staple part of Aussie life back in the 80s and early fucking 90s. This movie takes all of those fucking jokes and rehashes them as a fucking cartoon.... and fuck...... they fall on their arse. Almost every scene is a set-up with a delivery an then the screen fades to fucking black after the punchline (boom-tish) as if its the funniest joke ever told. The gags are fucking old... mostly unfunny and always fucking filthy. All it would have taken to make this a great fucking little cult film would have been a better fucking script. The jokes could have been written less fucking obviously with less anticipation put in the audience's fucking reaction... It could have worked as an adult's only take on the 'Footrot Flats' type of thing but ultimately its fucking average. The style of this fucking review will give you a good fucking idea of what to expect. If you giggled every time I wrote "fuck" then you might find the movie enjoyable but if you only found it fucking funny for a moment then steer fucking clear of it.

I got to admit, one thing that did produce a smirk was the fact that Genevive Morris did the voice of Little Johnny. That means that Barbara Bank delivered lines like "Looks like he got you right in the fucking cunt!" tehehehehehe.