A Father's Legacy

My biological father was a douche and as an adult I can proudly declare that I inherited very few things from him. I've become my own man.... HOWEVER.... the one thing that's been bequest upon me is my love of bacon sandwiches. 

In the early years I spent with him on his allocated weekends I was often awoken to that mind altering smell of crispy bacon. He would cook it under the griller (non of that fry pan shit) which would turn the rind into a delicious crackling that snapped and crunched in your mouth. Cooking bacon this way as opposed to frying is a practice I carry forth today and will pass along as life ticks by. What a legacy to leave a son, eh? The art of cooking bacon!

His house was located on a lake and there was a marina close-by, which had all kinds of shops, cafes and restaurants. I recall vividly as 10 year old how I desperately wanted to share my passion for bacon sandwiches with the world. The thought of opening my very own bacon sandwich restaurant was constantly on my mind. The menu would consist of a variety of sandwiches, all of which were bacon. Crispy bacon, short cut bacon, Canadian bacon and even ham. I would provide a whole selection of breads ranging from multigrain to sourdough but of course the chef's recommendation would be a simple white bread. 

Of course I grew older and matured into the man I am thanks to my step-father who I consider to be my real dad. He taught me the essentials in life from riding my first bike to managing finances (still struggling with that one) but the one thing he didn't teach me was the art of a bacon sandwich. THAT skill and devotion is thanks to that sperm donor who knew how to cook that shit up!

HOLY BAT NIPPLES!

(first written in Oct 2010)

 Fellow movie nerds, the story you are about to read will upset you. It will unnerve you and it will disgust you.

I woke up this morning to every film geek's worst nightmare. I could hear George Clooney's voice from the other end of the house. And then I heard Chris O'Donnell's voice followed by Alicia Silverstone's. I thought to my self "no. no, it can't be". I made my way down to the other room to find my step son sitting on the couch watching Batman & Robin. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I tried to keep my composure. "Why didn't you watch the first 3 Batman movies before this one?" I asked. His response greatly disturbed me. "Because mummy said this one was the best" he replied.

Oh my God! ... Oh.... my..... God! Not only is it the worst film of the franchise but it's also one of the worst films of all time! At this moment a sudden realisation struck me. It was apparent that I had a lot of undoing ahead of me and a whole re-education of the Batman legacy and the importance of watching things in chronological order.

My movie world was rocked this morning. Things may never be the same again!!!

A Lost Art

What’s happened to the art of movie posters?

Promotional material for films used to be creative, artistic and engaging. Right up until the late 80s most poster art was hand drawn... from the silent era of Birth of a Nation to modern classics like Jaws, The Goonies and Star Wars...

These days we’re suffering boring, mundane and generic posters. I'm in Australia where the quality is far worse than anywhere else and you only have to check out the region 4 dvds of Just Friends, You Me & Dupree and Georgia Rule to see what I’m saying.

So what does this say about us? Have we come to a point in evolution where we accept mediocricy as a standard? (this spans a lot of mediums) It’s concerning that bland stamping of poster art is appealing to people. I mean surely its working otherwise the marketing department wouldn’t do it, right!?? A friend of mine directed a film a few years ago and shopped it around at festivals with some really creative artwork. When he eventually sold the film to Fox they insisted that the point-of-sale artwork be dumbed down in order to sell. The result was hideous.

Am I alone?

I mean sure, there ARE some awesome posters out there... but generally speaking its pretty damn crap! The cinemas and video stores are plastered with meritocracy.

Fear & sadness... the neglected emotions.

Have you noticed that kids are getting softer? Of course I'm getting older and that whole “when I was you're age” thing is kicking in... during the 80s there was no closer relationship than that of my mum's wooden spoon and my arse.... these days that's child abuse. Weekends saw me out the door at first light and I only came home for lunch... these days its about loafing on a couch and playing video games. To venture outside is a real effort for heaps of kids these days.

And what ever happened to kid movies? Gone are the days of genuinely enthralling adventures, excitement and suspense. Remember going to the movies when you were a kid and seeing the Goonies being chased by gun wielding maniacs? Or how about feeling the sheer terror of G'mork (the ferocious wolf) in The Neverending Story? Add to that list, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth and countless others.

The world had changed since then... we are faced with war, poverty, terrorism and climate change on a daily basis. The world is a scary place to raise a child right!??

I believe kids are far too protected from some of life's more important lessons. We teach them about love and compassion and yet we shelter them from fear and sadness. I believe these are two fundamentally important aspects to a well balanced upbringing.

Family/kids movies are a large part of my video store's demographic. Mums come in looking for a quick fix to shut their kids up. It is amazing how many parents shelter their kids from anything that's borderline scary (even Scooby fucking Doo). One mother told me last week that her belief is that “we need to keep them kids for as long as possible” and with that her 10 year old daughter was too frightened to even look at dvd covers such as Aliens In The Attic or Jumanji. Thats some seriously disturbing shit if you ask me. Must we wrap our kids in cotton wool?

Over the past decade the quality of kids flicks has degenerated dramatically. These days the studios are pumping out carbon copy movies like Madagasca, The Wild, Over the Hedge and Surf's Up… and they get away with it because today's kids are nonethewiser and protected from the important stuff.

Of course there are exceptions and I have seen some brilliant family films over the past few years but sadly the majority of them slip right under the radar (Mirrormask, Millions, Seconhand Lions, Alabama Moon.. etc).

It's time to toughen kids up. Let 'em eat dirt and let 'em have nightmates and don't stress about the short term consequences. You're the parent and it's your job to nurture these fears... but trust me, in the long term the kids will be stronger for it!

Rules of Remakes

The past decade has seen Hollywood remakes running rampant. They’re like a virus, spreading every day & squeezing the life out of audiences. Don’t get me wrong because I am not opposed to the concept of a remake… I just reckon that certain consideration ought to be given. They've existed for eons... Hell, even Hitchcock was remaking his own movies.

My biggest problem with the recent spate of remakes is that they’re systematically erasing history. Some very important films have been remade and for each one there's a new audience of kids who will probably never know of the originals. A good example of this was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). When this was released in my video store most of the kids renting it had NO IDEA that Tobe Hooper’s original even existed. This was cause for concern. The original TCM is a monumental film and possibly one of the most influential of the past 50 years. It reinvented an entire genre, it changed the way people looked at cinema and forged a path for filmmakers to come…. It stands alone and I don't see any valid reason (other than money) to remake it.

And so I want to impose 3 of my own unwritten rules when it comes to remaking movies. Studios take note:

1) If the original film holds a legacy or a big significance in our culture, then it should not be touched.

Some culprits of this are: Psycho, Rear Window, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Planet of the Apes, City of Angels, Get Carter, The Wicker Man, Nightmare On Elm St… and so on. You get the point.

2) If the film in question has poorly dated, is widely unknown or was received poorly then it CAN be remade.

Some examples of this rule are: The Thing, True Grit, Scarface, Cape Fear, The Fly, 3:10 To Yuma, Red Dragon, The Departed… and so on.

3) Reboot instead of remake and work it so that the film acts as a continuation at the same time. 

A good example of this was the Friday The 13th reboot and Piranha 3D. Both films established a story which acts as a spring board for newcomers to the series and all the while maintaining a credible continuation of the original series.  

So as you can see there IS room for Hollywood to remake old films. The problem is that they’re not remaking the right ones. Instead they are pumping out carbon copied movies that insult (rather than honour) their original counterparts. As each generation comes along those old films are forgotten and legacies are lost.

Perhaps you think I am being a drama queen, or maybe you agree with me? Whatever the case I would love to know what you think and perhaps hear what kind of rules you think need to be set! 

Sister Act 3

Nude Nuns With Big Guns is Quentin Tarantino's karma. His critics lambaste him for plagiarising other people's films. Well now here's one that plagiarises his. Robert Rodriguz should be pissed off too because this movie is like the inbred love child of Desperado and Kill Bill. Damn I don't know what to tell you about this one... it's deliberately blasphemous and tries to push envelopes of no reason. Nuns are raped, abused and murdered (there's a lot of nun pussy here) and in true genre-fashion they come back with vengeance on their minds. The movie has it's moments but ultimately its one big rip-off. Its like a poor man's Grindhouse and all of the typical QT & Rodriguz tricks are on display. More interesting than the film itself is the fact that the biggest lawsuit over film rights in history was launched against torrent users who illegally downloaded the movie. I bet they wish they'd stuck with porn!

Essential Killing provides no answers. It tells the story of an unidentified Middle Eastern man (presumably) who is captured by American forces in an unidentified Middle Eastern country. He is transported to an unidentified European country where his transport vehicle runs off the road and he escapes into the snow covered wilderness. That is all we know as he spends the entire duration of the film lost, wounded and starving. Vincent Gallo plays the man and I think its the single greatest performance of his career. The entire role is silent and not a single word is uttered from his mouth and yet his desperation and fear is overwhelming. If I actually believed in a star-rating system then I'd probably give this a 5. I'm keen to hear some other thoughts about the film... fire away with some comments. 

"They will eat your face off"

Ok so I haven't watched this movie nor is it high on my 'to see' list... but I found the tagline too amusing to ignore. "They will eat your face off" ROFL. I guess this is what Peter Jackson failed to show us in Lord Of The Rings. This movie is about two park rangers who have to fend off hordes of Orcs which have been unearthed from a nearby mountain. I guess the more I think about it the more I want to see it... knowing too well how cheesey it will be. You've been warned... Orcs! They will eat your face off!

So that leads me to some of the best-worst movie taglines of all time. 


My favourite has to be the classically bad 80s shocker Blood Beach. The tagline is brilliant... "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't even get to it!" BRILLIANT!

So now I want to hear what some of your favourite bad taglines are..... 

Goin'... Goin' get fucked!

WARNING: Little Johnny The Movie is fucking terrible. Most of us would have grown up hearing Kevin Bloody Wilson's Little Johnny jokes. They became a staple part of Aussie life back in the 80s and early fucking 90s. This movie takes all of those fucking jokes and rehashes them as a fucking cartoon.... and fuck...... they fall on their arse. Almost every scene is a set-up with a delivery an then the screen fades to fucking black after the punchline (boom-tish) as if its the funniest joke ever told. The gags are fucking old... mostly unfunny and always fucking filthy. All it would have taken to make this a great fucking little cult film would have been a better fucking script. The jokes could have been written less fucking obviously with less anticipation put in the audience's fucking reaction... It could have worked as an adult's only take on the 'Footrot Flats' type of thing but ultimately its fucking average. The style of this fucking review will give you a good fucking idea of what to expect. If you giggled every time I wrote "fuck" then you might find the movie enjoyable but if you only found it fucking funny for a moment then steer fucking clear of it.

I got to admit, one thing that did produce a smirk was the fact that Genevive Morris did the voice of Little Johnny. That means that Barbara Bank delivered lines like "Looks like he got you right in the fucking cunt!" tehehehehehe.